Romance Novels

Every so often I get into a funk. I stop reading and wonder if I am truly a reader at all?

 

And so I do what we all do, dive into the free section of Kindle and iBooks and download romance novels.

 

Book 1: Enjoyable with some relative steamy sex scenes. Lights a fire and I decide I should keep going.

 

Book 2-3: Well, one of them was a flop and the other one was a fish on deck just flopping its way back.

 

By book 4 I really feel like maybe this was the wrong path and by book 6 I am pissed.

 

Because this is how MOST, not all, modern romances go.

 

Woman is a tough to boot firecracker personality who cannot be tamed.

Man is a douche.

 

Douche does something stupid. Firecracker responds with fire. Douche responds by forcing a kiss, firecrackers yields and shows her vulnerabilities. Douche keeps pressing but is a douche. Firecracker fires back up.

 

Hot sex.

 

Crying.

 

Firecracker leaves in tears over a stupid misunderstanding.

 

Douche is allowed to explain his side, firecracker parts her legs.

 

They get married and move into a nice house.

 

Seriously. That’s it. That is the blueprint to a modern romance. I swear I am going to write one just so it’s not like that.

Bullying, Cosmetic Surgery and Sharon Needles

Let me start by saying I love drag queens.

My heart belongs to these individuals,
 with Yara Sofia being my love

Followed by Raven

Jujubee

and finally Ms. Sharon Needles

 

 

My love of drag queens come from multiple sources. A love theater, drama, the performing arts, makeup, gender bending and costuming plus a healthy dose of intelligent sarcasm and wit.

What makes me confused is that these individuals dress as women AND men at different times of the day/weeks/lives. They are nearly flawless representations of women and still get bullied.

Reading comments on Sharon Needles Facebook, most of the talk was about his (the man beneath the foundation) choice to get plastic surgery.

I think I was surprised by my own emotions and reactions.

 

I was angry. How can someone that says they have been bullied and PRIDES their image on remaining themselves and true to themselves get plastic surgery? What does that say?

 

And then I realized I am that person, I think. Come 20 years from now, I honestly might want a breast lift because that is something important to me. But it will not stop me from being proud of my body today, tomorrow, or 19 years from now that but if given the opportunity and the right mindset I would probably also partake in plastic surgery. I mean, if being part of who you are includes wearing colored contacts (which I do on a regular basis) are you really remaining true to yourself?

 

Furthermore, how do I navigate this with my children? Be proud of who you are means never changing anything about yourself. Well that sounds like a crock of horse dung.

 

So I guess being true to yourself is saying, yeah I am not happy with this this or this. I either am or am not currently doing or going to do something about it but either way I am still the same person I am fundamentally unless I realize I am a jerk in which case of course I shall change.

How little can happen so much can happen

When do you decide that you are happy?

 

If you are on the journey from depression how do you know that you are not depressed anymore?

At which point does depression lead into daily annoyance? It’s simply not effective to expect costant joy and happiness. How do you know you are ready to deal with the activities of life?

And once you have won over your depression, are you any weaker for falling back? Who is ever prepared for the downfalls of life? What is even a downfall?

 

I am getting older and I am more scared at taking a step in the wrong direction than ever before.

 

I need to take more steps.

Motherhood Burnout

This week was nothing to write home about.

The television was on an average of 6 hours a day.

Hot dogs were lunch more than once, tater tots accompanied them.

I may have threw an epic tantrum over doing dishes, and folding laundry.

I could blame it on the weather, the grey drippy skies certainly were not helping my moods, but I would be doing moms a disservice everywhere to not really explain it.

Motherhood burnout.

I’m just tired of being mom. Listening to repetitions of “Mom. Mooooom!!” Wiping noses, butts. Kissing owies, disciplining, cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner. Apply for jobs, crafting for etsy, paying the bills on time, planning the menus, trying to keep the toys picked up, the laundry going, the toilets from overflowing (both kids are potty training), the dishes from piling and the grass mowed and growing.

It becomes too much day in and day out to be SO important to the health of your family but feel financially worthless.

Now, I know a lot of you are asking about Thor. How come he doesn’t help? Thor works 1-2 am until 12-3 pm…. Yeah. When he gets home he is beat so he’ll do dinner or take the kids so I can have some peace. He does everything he can for the 7-4 hours that he is home and awake.

Motherhood burnout is as much a symptom and a mental block. Motherhood is a cup, as your cup grows (more kids and/or kids growing up) you need to find ways to keep your cup filled. Chores, jobs, school, it all empties your cup and if you’re not refilling it, soon you’re running on automatic schedule and resentment.

This is bad.

So Thor took me to the beach yesterday, it was amazing.

I woke up with the kids at 5:00am and it is now 7:30 am. I’m looking at the dishes in the sink and the coveted floor we ignored yesterday and see it wasn’t enough now. I need Thor’s help cleaning the house today.

I’m going to make waffles, put on some proper clothes, and go wake the son of Asgard.

If you hear Thunder, he may be annoyed that today won’t be as fun. My apologies for any storms in your area.

But that’s the whole point. You have to ask! Ask for help when you need it and keep asking until you’re okay. Mommy burnout happens so fast, an as moms we think we have a handle on everything.

Which we do.

Just not ourselves.

Moms, I challenge you to ask for help. From your husbands/wives, parents, siblings, friends and yes, even your kids. Ask and see what happens.

Overweight

 

I promise to keep this post jovial.

 

I was reading a book that held a chapter about honesty. You are supposed to be honest with yourself. If you don’t want to go for a jog, instead of saying “I don’t have time” you say, “Right now, I am not caring enough about my health.” If it makes you uncomfortable, you are supposed then do said action you are avoiding.

 

HUGE FLAW WITH THIS PLAN.

 

Furthermore, I follow a lot of body positive blogs. Women who have curves and women who are flat as boards are proud of what their body is.

 

I am so fucking proud of my body. It survived abuse, it survived hardship, it survived me binge eating and starving it. It survived being fucked by loads of guys some without protection but most of all it took it all in stride to give me healthy happy pregnancies and health happy boys. It then went insane and produced milk (Moo moo baby) for my sons to drink.

 

My body is amazing.

 

But I hate it.

But here’s why. I hate it because it’s unhealthy. Of course, the question begs, then why not work out? Why not eat better?

Financially, we are a family of four eating on $200 a month. It’s not pretty, it’s a lot processed but it’s working well. We have one vehicle, which is gone from 1:00 am till 2:30 pm most days that is on it’s nearly literal last wheel. I want to eat healthy and I am not able to right now while giving my family some kind of nourishment on a regular schedule. Thor is already skipping breakfast to save on costs and fresh fruit is our breakfast but it gets really carb loaded after that.

 

Why no go to a gym? Because we cannot afford it.

Why not walk around your home? Because my oldest is so insane he ran in front of a car last time and still doesn’t understand.

Why not use my double stroller? Because I hate the fact that I have to pack water, snacks, toys, and plan around potty times to take a freaking walk.

Why don’t I do it when Thor is home? Because he usually needs a nap.

Why not work out in a class? See car.

Why not work out at home. Because I bloody well hate it!

 

The only times I’ve lost weight and reached a healthy bmi is when I either a) had to walk everywhere or b) joined a gym class.

 

So yes, to bring it around, I am choosing to not workout because I get to exhausted orchestrating how to get our the door currently.

Overwhelmed mom.

 

So why write this post?

 

Because maybe there are other moms struggling with this. Maybe you don’t have the young kid factor and it’s still a struggle. Maybe you have some tips or hints?

My tip is I just keep trying. Some days I get a walk in when the kids are in good moods. Most weeks I don’t. This has increased so much from when they were young and I can only see it increasing. Soon I’ll be able to put more money towards eating, and more time towards myself.

 

I think.

 

I hope.

Doctor Who

Why do I like a TV show that I shouldn’t?

It took over six years from a friend suggesting I may enjoy this TV show to actually watch the Doctor in all his glory.

Now I cannot leave him. He’s everything. Doctor Who is a lot to me.

Why? Any sane person may ask.

It’s because in a world where what I stand for NO ONE stands for, I found a kindred spirit.

Violence is used daily. It is used in capacities it has no right being in. It surrounds us as does hate and loathing but that is not as strong as love or peace. Love and peace can be intentional or accidental but that does not affect it’s point, purpose or durability. Adventures are fun, strive to have a new one everyday. Remember that adventures are small, from trying to open a new door to opening a door you open every day a different way. What you have done has a huge impact on WHO you were, but not WHO you become. Friends come and go, each with a purpose and each precisely when you need them. There is no chance, just fate you have yet to figure out. Beauty can be acceptance. So can love.

But most of all. Honestly, the most fucking hope that Doctor Who has given me is Hope. When you are alone. Honestly, alone. No one is with you, no one will save you, no one would care to. You have nobody and nothing to your name except a home. When all that happens and it will happen, you are still important. You are still worth life. You are still beautiful, courageous, daring and you are loved.

And if there was ever anything that I needed to hear that I could not manufacture myself in great quantities it is hope.

Job Search

Student to mom to working mom to stay at home mom apparently going back to work.

I’ve always made the argument that I never wanted to stay at home with my kids because it just wouldn’t be healthy. We’ve had some meltdowns, some issues, I’ve gained 60 pounds and feel depressed some days but I still claim to like it.

But I’m not sure if I like it because I like it, or if it’s because the outside pressures I have had from everyone telling me that working will be bad for my kids.

Regardless, the decision is no longer mine to make.

$59,000 is my student loan debt and I want to go back. Because of our current debts, Thor and I can buy a house with a maximum worth of $60,000 (I’m not living in a tent on land) and after the main three bills are paid (rent, electricity, cells and internet for school) we have $300 a month left over to pay for

-Food

-Gas

-Insurance

-Any medical that pops up

-Any dental that pops up

-Any car issues that pop up

-Diapers

-Clothes

-Cat food

 

Ugh. The list goes on.

So I am searching for a job. I have to say it’s harder because at first I wasn’t sure what I was qualified for. I thought my Bachelor was worthless but I had two amazing women who told me flat out that I am going to get the job I think I deserve. I have a TON of experience all over the place and am now applying for more professional positions.

Inside I’m dying. Finding a daycare for my kids? Putting them in daycare? I’m so nervous I’m shaking. Are they going to be okay? Am I? Will they hate me? Will our special bond be broken?

 

Adulthood blows. This is nothing like what I imagined it would be. Peter Pan had it all right.

 

When I die

I’ve been having a lot of trouble dealing with Thor’s mothers passing for multiple reasons. She really filled up the whole room and you can just tell she’s not here. That’s been hard.

I think the great thing though is it really has me thinking about my own death. I was given advice by the Oregon Mortuary Board to NOT pre-purchase anything from any one cemetery because it gives them an opportunity to up-charge your grieving family or let them update policies from when you purchased to new guidelines that may leave a large bill that can be shocking. I was told to instead, devote a savings to it and make it known it’s purpose and keep it’s location in the will.

Thor and I will be opening one within the next month and depositing about $20 a month for the next few years until our income gets a little more substantial and then more as we go.

It’s the how though. I’ve always wanted to be mummified but then thinking of the whole brain-scramble-out-through-the-nose-pull, I don’t want to do that. Thor is all for being cremated but I don’t want that either. I thought and researched natural burial and enjoyed that option but I think for me the trouble came from being buried where it’s sad all over every day. But I don’t want to be carried around by my children either. I also REALLY love the marble statues and benches.

Insert the Bios Urn! 

You are cremated and your remains are placed in this urn. You are then buried and from you sprouts a tree, all for 137,00 €

I know what I would like to happen when I pass. When Chad and I buy a home, I would like to be cremated and placed in a Bios Urn. I would like to be buried behind my home where I have space to grow and shade those I love. I would like a marble bench and statue to be at my feet and I would love if my husband would follow and be buried near me. I like the idea of our roots touching for another few hundred years. ^_^

If you have kids I urge you to think about it, if only in good humor or passing. It’s important to make a decision if you are partial to one, or to let it be known that you are not and whatever happens happens.

Are you relevant? You is.

Basically I always find that when telling a story I start at the beginning, run through the middle and stop at the end (usually.)

I went to school to become a doctor. Not a Gallifreyan bit o’sexy but an honest Doctor of Optometry. It was my dreams, my hopes, my wishes. I trained, I studied and I failed. Well, not failed but I failed classes. I brought a GPA from 3.24 to 2.04 by failing all these math and science classes that just held 0 of my interest.

 

I had a breakdown when I realized I could not be a doctor and I now had 0 direction. What can I be?! Who am I?!

 

Tomorrow I am going to talk to an admissions counselor to try and get some ideas on paper on where to go.

 

I know I want my masters and I know I want it to be in Religious Studies. That is a hard program because mostly Ivy Leagues offer it and let us face it, I am not Ivy League material with a 2.04. But that doesn’t mean I am going to stop. 

 

My main concern is to currently bring my $59,734 in loans down to a reasonable number and in order to do that I have to find a “job”. This is where my issues are coming back.

 

I have a Bachelor of Science in Religious Studies. Let’s go through that slowly. Bachelor (that’s good) of Science (sounds impressive) in Religious Studies (wha?)

 

Therefore, I am left feeling unqualified and lost in application for jobs. I have a lot of different experience. Writer, website builder, manager, sales floor, mailer, marketer, social media manager, file clerk, inventory manager, research data gathering, and it’s all within four jobs. I tend to take on a lot of responsibility very quickly when I work and I enjoy it but it leaves my resume looking like a liar. Do I omit? Do I add?

 

Should I just work at McDonalds?!

 

Hopefully tomorrow the counselor has some advice and I am able to report it. The best thing that all this has done is that I am taking a hard look at what I like and what interests me.

 

Bookbinding

Crafting

Paperwork

Optometry

Religion

Teaching

 

How did you know your life career? Did you fall into it or did you search it out?

Countdown

I am getting married.

Hoooo, what a journey.

You know my history with Thor but April 13, 2013, our history is beginning a new chapter.

As husband and wife.

This stings so much harder with the recent passing of Thor’s mom but it also feel good. It’s a, “we are carrying on” sort of feeling that I can focus on.

A lot of my friends and family sadly cannot make it but for every one I regret missing will be one that holds me up too.

I’m so excited. I’m so scared. What if I faint? Drop? Get nervous? Run.

Well – not that last on. The only place I’m running is to Thor. I’ve been running towards him  my whole life without knowing it.